Talk less. Listen more. Put the screen away. Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn from the other person.

With Vision Sunday setting before us the calling to speak, I’ve been mulling over how we speak well. As the above list shows, there is no shortage of conversational tips to be had – tips that I have personally found helpful since my own conversations have an ongoing need for improvement! But as I’ve reflected on how to keep growing, there’s a diagnostic question I’ve needed to return to time and time again that isn’t usually found on the how-to lists.

Motives for Speaking Well

It’s the question “Why?” Why might we want to improve our conversations? If I were to honestly answer that question for myself, my motives are too often less than godly. I want people to think well of me. I want to be esteemed for my listening skills. I want to be known as the one who asks insightful questions and draws out the hidden depths of the heart. We’re called to speak well of Christ, but I would rather speak well for my sake.

So before I’ve even begun to consider the how of improving my conversation, I often need to confess the subtle ways I seek honour for my own reputation. I need to ask the Lord to realign my priorities with his and help me ascribe the glory due his name (Psalm 29:2). Perhaps the single most important way we begin to grow in our conversational abilities is confession and repentance – naming and owning any sinful motives for what they are and asking God to transform our hearts to desire what he desires.

Growth in Speaking Well

As for how to improve those conversations, look around you. Who does conversations well? Who might you want to imitate?

A former ministry leader was one such person for me. He excelled at conversations. There were so many moments where you would look over and see him listening intently to whoever he was with, speaking gently and lost in the conversation as if nothing else mattered.

When I pause and consider what it was that caused his interactions to stand out above the crowd, it wasn’t some conversational tip he had picked up along the way. No, the very best characteristics of this dear leader’s conversations were patterned after those of Jesus Christ himself.

The Gospels have recorded Jesus’ interactions with many different individuals. Some sought him out, some he pursued. Some were intrigued by what he said, others wanted to trip him up and bring him down. But with all of them he demonstrated perfect conversational skills. He listened. He asked heart-searching questions. He understood people – “Come see a man who told me everything I’ve ever done” (John 4:29). Such skill flowed out of a perfect love for people, a calling to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10), the authority to judge the hearts of those he spoke with (John 9:39) and the mandate to establish and build the Kingdom of God (Mark 1:15) for the glory of his Father’s name.

While we will never have the authority in our conversations that Christ did, our conversations improve when they become a more like his. Here are some specific things that we could pray for:

Loving God, please help me see the value of other people as you do – forgive me when I feel bored by conversations.
Sovereign Lord, help me to remember you ordain the interactions I have and you have good purposes in them – forgive me when I get distracted in conversations.
Jesus, help me to grow in entering uncomfortable conversations for your glory and the good of those relationships – forgive me when I avoid difficult conversations.
Patient Father, help me to grow to be more concerned about others than myself – forgive me when I talk more about myself.
Holy Spirit, help me to grow in intentional and Gospel-saturated conversations – forgive me when my conversations tend to stay on the surface.

No matter where you feel your conversations are weak, no matter how mixed your motives are for seeking to improve them, how good it is to know we can begin by acknowledging our failures and struggles to the Lord and trust that he loves to hear and answer such prayers.

Learn from people in your life who converse well. Above all, learn from Christ and delight in the conversations the Lord brings your way.

A version of this blog post first appeared on the BCUK website.

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